Unless you've been sleeping under a rock this week, you've no doubt been bombarded by the most useless news of the month by every news network, news Web site or newspaper: Britney Spears gave birth. Big whoop. We can only hope this new 18-year commitment will keep the lip-synching Material Girl wannabe off the stage and out of the studio for good.

However, we felt we would do the right thing this week and find some quirky goodies on eBay to send to Baby Britney in honor of his birthday.

Will mommy Britney lip-synch to her own CD at bedtime?

Since we're already thinking of Baby Britney's future, we decided he might as well set up his own e-commerce site (now why would we think that?). Sure enough, he has his chance if he climbs out of his crib to bid on www.britneyspearsbaby.net, currently going for only $9.99. (Or, for a mere $50,000, he can own www.britneysbabyboy.com instead. What a deal!)

We can envision it now: t-shirts that say "I'm with stupid." DVDs of mommy Britney cooking pasta and complaining that she used to be so popular but now plays second fiddle to the latest American Idol. Or even "Support Baby Britney's college fund!" We could go on and on...

Of course, every baby needs lullaby music. So we thought it fitting Baby Britney gets his own special CD - with mommy singing! He would have no problems finding a copy of "Baby One More Time" on eBay, that's for sure. For only a few bucks, the once-popular single can be all his. Sweet dreams!

One thing Baby Britney probably doesn't want to hear any time soon is "Oops! I did it again!" Surely, he wants to be the mommy's favorite. But just in case, we'll throw in that CD single as well.

Mommy Britney can babysit via VHS.

We're guessing that Baby Britney isn't going to be seeing much of his pop star mommy much during his early years, as she heads to Vegas a few more times to get married and pursues her oh-so-hot career. Fortunately, we've come to the rescue. Thanks to a video we found on eBay this week, Baby Britney will get to know all about his not-a-girl mommy. An unauthorized bio of Ms. Spears (or is it Mrs. Federline?) called "Britney Spears - Star Baby Scrapbook" is going for a mere $2.99 as we speak.

Seller trimediaoutlet says, "Unauthorized bio-video of the Teen Pop sensation. Now you can get the whole story, from her humble beginnings in Kentwood Louisiana, to the top of the pop charts. It focuses on interviews with the people who knew Britney before she became famous, providing invaluable insight into her past and roots. This video scrapbook is a must own for any fan of Britney Spears. This video contains no music or performances by Britney Spears."

Father of the Year.

Like all other babies, Baby Britney is going to have his share of spit-up moments and plenty of drool running down his shirt. Since we're looking out for his best interests, we found a bunch of replacement t-shirts he can use to keep himself dry. Our favorite? The Britney Spears and Madonna Kissing Baby Tee. This shirt accomplishes two goals. First, it keeps Baby Britney fresh and, second, reminds mommy who really rules the pop world.

Finally, we'd be remiss to not include an item on the most popular "baby daddy" of the new millennium - Kevin Federline. Ms. Spears' husband of the year hit the jackpot by hooking up with the pop idol and fathering her first child - something she's dreamed of since she was a little girl (which according to her, she was until only about 3 years ago).

We're boldly predicting Mr. Spears will continue his pattern of "I'm a dad?? Gotta run!" some time in the next year or so. Given those circumstances, Baby Britney should have a few pictures of dad in his room. We found the perfect one: Kevin Federline on the cover of Details magazine. No frame is included.

eBay News
The big news of the week for eBay was, of course, the purchase of the Internet phone software company Skype. They paid a pretty penny for the company, so we hope the deal works out for eBay. We're still not exactly sure why they purchased Skype. Maybe they want to make it easier to call that no-good, non-paying bidder?

Devin Comiskey is the Managing Editor of ECommerce-Guide.com. His new nephew was born at 12:20 a.m. on Thursday, Sept. 15 and luckily won't have to share his birthday with Baby Britney.